I’ve recently moved home after my Mother’s passing to stay with Dad….
I have very mixed emotions about moving home, to this place I grew up. So many memories and Mother a part of every one of them.
I’m staying in my old room, the furniture isn’t the same, but I left my curtains up. The curtains that Mom bought when she renovated my bedroom with a new canopy bed when I was twelve. To say it doesn’t match my bedroom suite now is an understatement, but they will remain up. My re done bedroom from my past was more than just a good memory, it is one of the best. Every time I look at them, I remember how much Mom meant to me. How much I miss her.
Mom bought a cabin in the woods when I was beginning college, it has been “Nanny’s Cabin” ever since. Dad and I have begun going up on weekends again. I sit in the chair Mom sat in, I use her computer, cook in her kitchen. Remembering just how she liked everything, I procede through my day.
Dad and I watched her favorite British comedy on PBS Saturday night. I had to go to bed after it was over. Almost couldn’t handle it.
I learned the hard way a few years back how important it is to go through all these stages of grief. I somehow got lost through my grief on another occasion in my past, and it almost cost me my sanity. But, it is so hard. I sometimes think that no more tears could possibly come, but then they do.
I hear her voice, I feel her beside me. I know that if God were willing, not only he could truly separate Mom & Dad, ever. I have never met two people who were as in love. They couldn’t bare to be apart. The perfect couple! I have sometimes wondered why I didn’t look for that kind of relationship when I was young. Another lesson from the past, not to take love for granted. I grew so use to two parents that adored each other, I didn’t realize others didn’t have the same thing.
I will be strong, because that is what Mom would expect. I will, for my own sake walk patiently through these stages of grief. I will hold on to my sanity with my entire heart. But, I will never quit missing Mom! And, I will never believe that my Mother has gone completely. I will never believe that she is never to be here again, that her spirit is not still among us.