I woke up at 5am this morning…. I don’t know if I woke up because I have a job interview this afternoon, or I woke up because I can’t breathe. Or, maybe both….
I have been sitting here in bed drinking coffee for an hour, I can’t help but think of Mom, in th early hours all alone, that’s always the only thing on my mind. After my first cup of coffee I went back into the kitchen to get another and I looked across the den to the big red chair where Mom had her morning devotional…. Sometimes, it’s more than I can handle.
Mom was diagnosed with cancer over 3 years ago. ( give or take a month). She went into remission after a year of chemotherapy. That alone spoiled me into thinking we were done with cancer. Then it reappeared in her kidneys, and I thought, ” She beat it once, she will beat it again.” She was in pain this past Christmas, it just got worse. ( but I keep thinking that everything is going to be ok) My left brain knew that Mom’s body was failing, but my right brain was in such denial that it would not allow me to fulling understand. I didn’t want to loose my Mom, I didn’t think I could live without her, So, I immaturely “believed” that she was going to beat this thing.
My Mom’s mother, ( my Nan-Lu ) lived to be 99. Mom’s grandmother, ( Momma Dorough) lived to be 111. So, you can probably see why somewhere inside I would talk myself into believing she would be ok. I just knew she had at least another 20 years with us.
I have come to believe that denial is a bitter enemy. I understand that it doesn’t matter if someone goes suddenly or it takes a good long while. The pain of a loved one dying is traumatically devistating. I know and have talked to many that have lost their mothers in years past. No matter how long ago it happened, they talk about the death painfully and sad. I realize that I must get to a place where I can live with it tolerably, but maybe I will always have to live with the sadness. I’m trying to figure out a way of making it a little more tolerable.
I have so many happy, wonderful memories. Ha! I have a lifetime of them. Except for the years between 13 – 18 I had the most wonderful and loving relationship with my Mom. I will focus on remembering the love, the compassion. I will remember all the advice, all the prayers. I will try to understand. I did say “try”.